Kweku’s Korner
By Kweku Akyirefi Amoasi
Kweku Akyirefi Amoasi, formerly known as Ramel Smith
How can anyone tell anyone how to overcome grief? What works for one person, may not work for the rest. Hell, what works for you today, may not work for you tomorrow. We can offer cookie-cutter prescriptive techniques that can be valuable, but not always helpful. For example, we can suggest you get into counseling. It can be individual, family, or group counseling that centers on talking about your grief. We can also suggest that you read some books about grief. There are some great books to discuss how to deal with the aftermath of losing a child, a spouse, a parent, a friend, a job, or your deteriorating health. We can suggest you do something magnanimous in the name of the loved one: like plant a tree, make a donation to a cause in that person’s memory, create a foundation, or have a yearly celebration in their honor.
Sometimes, it may help one to go to workout, cry, talk to a friend, or relive great memories through pictures and videos. All these prescriptions are good, but they also can be absolutely useless. Sometimes, the remedy to our grief cannot be explained in a psychological recipe. Sometimes, it is also healthy for one to want to sit in their grief alone, especially on a day when we are triggered. We don’t want to live here, but it may be helpful to visit this place to reset. No one can tell another person how to grieve; but, we can tell them what helped us and it is up to each individual to determine how they want to heal; in fact, if they even want to heal.
A day that lives in infamy for my family is September 3, 2007. My second daughter was born that day. Sadly, she died that same day. She came through the tunnel of life before she reached the age of viability. She breathed her last breath before she breathed her first breath. Now, I am a psychologist, and I educated and counseled the masses on grief. I had buried grandparents and a parent. I thought I was equipped to deal with this reality of life. Initially, I used my pain to start my business, went to work a few days later as nothing happened, and continued to parent my first daughter.
But I was not good, family. And though I did some great things, I also was equally destructive. However, the destructive part felt good in the moment; and, I didn’t care about anybody’s feelings, because I just needed what I needed to mask the pain. I allowed people to think they were comforting me, but I was hurting badly.
I’ve learned grief is not something to get over, it is something you have to learn to deal with daily. It is like a recovering alcoholic: you can be good for days, months, and years, then… a relapse. And, I learned to understand this is a process without closure. I learned to adjust to this new normal. Grief is eternal. Grief is personal. Grief is an unpredictable opponent. This is why we all deal with it differently and must deal with it on our own terms. Now, I understand what Momma Daisy meant when I asked her how she was doing?
“Baby, I’m kicking, but not high!”
We just keep kicking till we neither have the strength nor the will to keep kicking. I try to focus on the people and things to give me a reason to keep kicking. What will you find to deal with your grief, beloved?