Kweku’s Korner
By Dr. Alisia Moutry
President/CEO of 4AM Consulting, LLC
Alisia Moutry, PhD
On vacation, a friend was complaining that her work colleagues were emailing and calling her when they knew she was on vacation. Even though she was unhappy with their behaviors she continued to answer calls and reply to emails. As she complained, I intensely questioned, “Why do you expect them to respect your boundaries, when you don’t?” It is our right and responsibility to teach people how to treat us and to communicate our boundaries without wavering and or guilt. If my friend really wants her colleagues to stop expecting her to work while on vacation, put an out of office notification on and refrain from responding until vacation is over. It is important to state in words but more importantly demonstrate with our actions. From the words of my mama, “I can show you better than I can tell you!”
Back in my day, we would draw a line in the sand to let others know when we meant business, or should I say when we were ready to put on the boxing gloves to let someone know when they have basically crossed the line. This same line in the sand needs to be adopted today in many situations and relationships. This includes but not limited to professional, personal, and even strangers. What does it look like to speak up and to teach people how you want to be treated and or spoken to? Here are things you can do to set healthy boundaries:
- Truly decide what you do and don’t want from others. Once you have clearly communicated, stand on this and don’t waiver. This is like once you set a curfew for your teenager, you can’t allow them to break the curfew without consequences or they will continue to disobey your house rules.
- Be willing to say ‘No” and don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel the need to explain, you have a right to say NO!
- Stop doing things grudgingly. It’s better to decline than to do it without really wanting to.
- Don’t forget to factor yourself into the equation. Do you have time for this? Does it satisfy you by doing it or helping the person? Do you have other responsibilities that take priority over? Let go of the idea of letting people down vs taking care of self-first.
- Set and maintain boundaries in all aspects of your life. It is ok for boundaries to differ depending on the person, relationship, and situation.
Just because you let people know what your boundaries are, that does not mean they will comply. My brother and I thought we could wear my mom down by asking her over and over, hoping she would change her mind. It did not work, and she was very clear that what she said she meant whole-heartedly. We eventually learned when she said NO, she meant it and we avoided wasting our time. As a result of this read, how do you want people to treat you? You more than likely will have to communicate this more than once and stand firm in your decision. If they still don’t respect your boundaries just know that means and signifies the clear indicator the line has been drawn and sympathy for those that crosses.